I waited to get married. When I say waited....I mean I lived on my terms before I decided to "tie the knot". Geez just that term made me fear marriage. I did not have a "marriage role model". My dad walked out on My mom and four children when I was 5. What did I think of men? Well ......they leave, they cheat, they don't give a shit about family. Not a good start huh? Let's just say I married who I married for the wrong reasons. I was only concerned with resume. Must be a white collar guy able to financially support his children. That was all I cared about at the age of 28. I ignored all the red flags and did not know squat about a quality man. I was broken, and damaged therefore that's what I attracted. That being said I don't blame anything on my ex husband, we both showed up broken from our pasts. Yes we have four amazing children who are vibrant and thriving. We hated each other many days, yet today we can be in the same room together and laugh like old friends.
Before you roll your eyes and say to yourself "oh please girl, that is not ever happening with me and my ex" Let me explain, I would have felt the same way right after our divorce. We literally hated each other. He would not take my calls. We would rage text each other every day. It was ezhausting, stressful and making me sick and I mean literally. On most days I was covered in hives. I ran on average of 30 miles a week to out run the demons I felt were always chasing me. My knees were killing me. I had a severe hormonal imbalance due to stress. I laid awake most nights wondering how I was going to keep a roof over my childrens head and food in their bellies.
Then I went to an event. It was an entrepreneurial seminar. I went with the hope to help grow my home based business I was working on at the time. One day into the seminar the person hosting asked that we call come back that evening for something called Spiritual Equipping. She said it was a choice, but she did specify to come with an open mind and heart. Some of the group I was with chose to go, others went out for cocktails and dinner. One of my friends that attended the event happened to be a Born Again Chrstian by mere coincidence(yes God works in mysterious ways).
As we walked in we stood next to each other with a few of our other friends that attended. As I stood watching the speaker I soon realized I was not able to understsand anything she was saying. I whispered to my "Born Again" friend which in itself is bizarre to be in the right place at the right time huh? Anyway I asked " why can't I understsnd anything she is saying?" He proceeded to tell me she is speaking in tongue, which he explained to me means; the Holy Spirit is speaking through her and delivering messages to those who need to hear it. I thought to myself, ok this is whacky shit. Soon after I had that thought I heard a voice, I guess you can call it a voice in my head that said, "Diane go closer to the stage".
As I walked closer to the stage the speaker brought a woman up to the stage. She could have been my sister, in resemblance. Tall stature, blonde hair, same body type, I thought ok this is getting stranger by the minute. She looked sad, I could feel her sorrow, she had her face buried in her hands. I could not see her face nor did I ever.
The speaker held her hand, I suddenly understood the words the speaker was saying, it was as if she was speaking direclty to me and knew what I had endured. She spoke of a horrible divorce that involved four young children, a father who left her at a very young age. Her life of not trusting men, of being hurt and dissappointed by men. I felt my body start to shake as I heard the words, I started to cry the most cleansing cry I had cried as an adult. She told the woman to forgive all who had hurt her so that she may heal. As I was crying my "Born Again" friend asked me if I was ok? I told him what I heard and how similar to my story this all was. He then stated he didnt hear any of that and neither did anyone else in our group, they only heard her continue to speak in tongue. He explained that the message I received was planned and intended for me from Christ so that I may heal.
I came home from that seminar and immediatley called my ex husband, by some miraculous force he answered which he had refused to do the past 2 years. I told him I was sorry for my part in our marriage ending. I recogonized all the good he did for me and my chidren, he apologized too. From that day on I do my best to see the good in him and to continue to have a healthy relationship with him. It's not always easy but that day taught me to forgive, to live with love in my heart. When we forgive we heal ourselves and those we love.
Choose to show up everyday as the kind, loving person God designed you to be. It doesn't happen over night and sometimes it takes divine intervention as it did with me. We have to pay attention to the signs. Be open to them, to the people who show up to put a smile on your face. They are sent by God to make life better. If you're reading this most likely God brought this to you. If you feel lost and don't know where to start I am here to help you heal. I have seen the dark, the ligth is so much better.
Love you,
Diane